Scotland: National Rural Network
Connecting Rural Scotland - Promoting Rural Growth

By Patrick Vickery

A flask of coffee and a chunky chocolate biscuit: that's what happens if you're a gardener rained off in the rurals, too wet for gardening so I'm sitting in an Easter Ross car park waiting for the rain to stop and having a cup of coffee and a chunky chocolate biscuit. 'Chunky Chocolate Biscuit Man', that's me, until the weather improves anyway.

Occasionally I'm asked to do something indoors, you know, a spot of joinery or plumbing, something like that, and very tempting it is too, particularly during inclement weather spells, but I've learnt over the years that sometimes it's best to say no (there's simply too many possibilities for disaster).

I used an industrial sanding machine once, the type used for sanding wooden floors? 'Industrial Sanding Machine Man', that was me. I was happily sanding away, doing a fine job, when the main body of the machine detached itself from the handle and shot across the lounge floor to demolish a radiator on the far wall. Good grief, what a shock. And it wasn't even my house either, no, but a favour for a lovely old lady in the neighbourhood.

The radiator landed on the floor, pipes still partially attached but bent, and a jet of water gushed skywards from somewhere in the vicinity of the skirting board. It could have been worse. Her lounge wall was not a substantial one, you see, and I dread to think what would have happened if the radiator hadn't cushioned the blow. A spot of luck really, don't you think, the radiator being there in the first place, must look on the bright side, but then of course what do you do in a situation like that, bend it back, I suppose, pretend nothing's happened, only this really wasn't an option, no, not with water gushing.

She was very understanding, this lovely old lady, and dashed frantically to the phone while I temporarily plugged the gushings with a cheese and tomato sandwich until the local plumber arrived and all was sorted. No harm done.

You won't be surprised to learn, however, that this was my one and only venture into the world of floor sanding: a disaster, it was, and one that required vast quantities of home-made wine that evening (pea-pod wine actually, a strange alcoholic concoction with a vivid aroma of old sock and mouldy peas) and a philosophical frame of mind to come to terms with. I did briefly toy with the notion of becoming a plumber after this incident - 'Plumber Man' - only I suspect there's a lovely old lady in the neighbourhood, as well as an extremely obliging local plumber, who might think otherwise. Such is life.

Now that chunky chocolate biscuit was good. Better have another one. The rain's easing off now, time for action shortly, gutters to be cleaned: ‘Gutter Man', that's me for the next hour or so anyway. Have to be gentle though, some of these gutters detach easily if you're not careful and you can't do much with a cheese and tomato sandwich if that happens, no, not enough stickability, a moist pork pie is better - as a temporary stop gap anyway - but eat the pastry first, otherwise it gets in the way.

Moist pork pies and cheese and tomato sandwiches, eh? Essential equipment. My tip of the day!

This article firat appeared in the Ross-shire Journal